A City Gal’s Guide to Surviving Hurricane Irene

Hi F&F,

It’s T-minus 6 hours before that bitch Irene shows up.  Where I live natural disasters are unnatural but, by all accounts, Hurricane Irene will be visiting New York City Sunday afternoon. Truly a weekend houseguest from hell.

The Office of Emergency Management, Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Governor Andrew Cuomo are telling the citizenry to prepare for the worst and to pray for the best (interesting how a secular government gets all religious in situations like this.  God must think we are foul weather friends). I’m a highly skilled prayer. My prayers are with those who are in the midst of the storm and for those who are in its path. I’ve had years of practice praying; so prayer – check.  It is the other types of preparation; I know nothing about.

I’m a single woman in the city. I live in a well maintained, full service building. I know nothing about boarding up windows; or setting up sandbags; or using gasoline powered electric generators.  I also, eat out a lot.  I hate living a cliché but, I must confess, my kitchen is stocked with seltzer water, olives, peaches and some leftovers from the Chinese dinner I ate last night. Oh yea, there are also a few dusty cans of soup. Purchased the last time this area faced something like this; which was a long time ago; so I suspect that soup is inedible and unstable.  The cans will probably explode if I disturb them.  I may have to call the NYPD Bomb Squad.

(I just want to add, that to my credit, I don’t live with a bunch of cats and when I do eat at home; I don’t do it standing over the kitchen sink. I’m single – not pathetic; I sit in front of the TV like everybody else.)

Taking the advice of the professionals, I got to think about a few items a city gal could use to personalize and enhance the standard issue emergency preparedness list. Here are a few items to help you successfully face down Hurricane Irene in style.

1) Mini Maglite – A standard flash light will give light but, savvy city gals appreciate well designed accessories.  I suggest the mini Maglite. It is a thing of beauty. Mine is purple but, it comes in an array of bright colors. It’s small but, gives a lot of light. It feels smooth, weighty and solid in your hands; just like your best boyfriend.

2) Bottles of Fiji water –  In emergencies you are directed to fill your bathtub with water so you will have clean water in the event  the water system fails and the water becomes non-potable (thank you Jeopardy for that vocabulary word). I’ll do that but, I will have my favorite bottled water on hand as well because no matter how well I scrub out that tub, I know my ass was in it; and that knowledge will make it hard for me to drink the water.

3) A Miraclesuit Swimsuit – If I’m going to have to swim for my life; I want to look 10 pounds slimmer and one cup size bigger while doing it.

4) Red Wine – A few bottles a quaffable red wine is the kind of alcohol that will truly help should I sustain any injuries. I picked up a few bottles of red so I can still have a quality experience should the power go out (no refrigeration or ice required). Hot Chardonnay would be a good name for a band, but not so good for drinking.

5) Swiss Army knife – Again, it’s all about the right accessories. It’s a well-designed multi-purpose tool. Mine has things like a screw driver, 2 sharp knives, a corkscrew (see  #4)and it has a nail file and tweezers.  The last 2 items will be very useful should the hurricane make it necessary to forego your visit to the salon. You don’t want to have claws and a unibrow when that hunky fireman comes to your rescue.

6) Frizz – All that water is going to cause your hair to blow up and up and up. You’re going to look like the late Don King.   Frizz is a hair product that tames the mane. Again, think about the firemen.

If you have any suggestions please leave a comment. I still have time to pick up a few more items.

Meanwhile, Hurricane Irene if you want a piece of me; be prepared. I am.

To my sisters and brothers facing this storm:

Let’s be careful out there so that we can share a, tension releasing, spirit lifting, gratitude proclaiming,  laugh together when this is all over.



About atreegrowsinbklyn

I’m an analog girl living in a digital world. I’m happy except when I’m sad. I’m serious, smart and sophisticated except when I’m silly, obtuse and crude. I’m ambitious and disciplined; except when I’m apathetic and self indulgent. I‘m thoughtful, generous and honest; except when I’m insensitive, cheap and lying. I’m grateful; I’m grateful; I am grateful.
This entry was posted in Creative Non-Fiction, Culture, Daily Living, Events, humor, Life, new york city, Uncategorized, Weather and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A City Gal’s Guide to Surviving Hurricane Irene

  1. northernnarratives says:

    I also have a purple mini maglite! An inflatable canoe might be useful? Take care. Judy

  2. Touch2Touch says:

    Love your sassy attitude!
    Post was really funny. One little hint, Tree:
    the bathtub water is for the toilet, to make it flush if the worst comes to the REALLY worst.
    Fiji water’s fine for your inside. I settle for Poland Springs, but hey, I’m a New Englander now, and we have simpler tastes. 🙂
    I just read this, a lot of hours after you wrote, and Irene the bitch is almost upon you. If the wine isn’t open yet, it oughta be.
    Cheers and prayers to you —

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